Janelle's Blog

What could I have to complain about in my life? I own my own apartment, I have a decently paying job and I can afford all my bills. People like me and it’s not at all difficult for me to make friends, it’s just as easy to find people who can claim to love me and want to be with me always. So really what could I have to complain about? Nothing, not a single thing. In fact I probably seem like I am bragging. I’m a confident enough, beautiful, young woman with my entire life ahead of me. A half filled slate that can be twisted and turned into any direction I could possibly want. Notice I even said half filled instead of half empty? Lets add eternal optimist to my list of things I couldn’t complain about.

And yet…

Why do I feel nothing towards it all? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I cannot feel anything. I find joys and sorrows in my life. Babies, puppies, and tottering old people make me go “Awww <3” House centipedes, spiders, and cockroaches freak me the hell out and cheesy romance movies and other sad movies make me bawl my eyes out. So I think I can safely say I’m not a sociopath or something..Depressed perhaps? I feel secure in myself when I say I am not depressed. I don’t feel sad, but I don’t really feel happy. 

Instead I am constantly wondering what I should be feeling..Lets skip back to when I said I have no issues finding people to love me, yet I’ve never been able to love a single one of them back. What was wrong with them? Oh I’m sure I could list shallow, superficial aspects of them that I didn’t like..but in reality they all doted on me, truly cared, and tried their best to be with me..yet it all seems so dull to me..As if its pointless or tedious. 

I envy those that can throw themselves head first into love and find joy and pain in it. I envy those that seem to have a goal in this life and strive to fulfill it. I have goals too, but in the end I only have them because I need something to do else I would lay on my back all day and stare at the sky.

But is that wrong in itself? Why are we here anyways? Because some God or higher power is testing us? Are we little puppets or toys? Are we here simply because a Big Bang and bam..here we are? Really my brain spins with questions and pondering. None of them will ever be answered because every answer anyone gives is really all a matter of their views, their opinions..honestly none of which mean much to me, though I respect them for it.

So what could I complain about in my wonderfully, average blessed life? Not a damn thing yet why am I not so gloriously struggling to survive like everyone else? Perhaps I’ll never know, perhaps I’ll change one day..but for now..I can only wonder why while at the same time be thankful for all that I have and perhaps all that I can be one day.

Thanks for reading the babble of a confused girl.